


Longing Laughter

by salt_n_pepper



Category: Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Sadness, sorry I killed kieran
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:28:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29644389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salt_n_pepper/pseuds/salt_n_pepper
Summary: In which Lauren rediscovers life.
Relationships: Lauren Sinclair/Kieran White
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	Longing Laughter

**Longing Laughter**

_ Mon amour Lauren Sinclair, _

That was how he started every letter to her. Not with “Dear”, like most people would. Always over the top, that’s Kieran White.

Or, that used to be.

Because Lauren would never read another “mon amour” again. 

She would never hear him tease her in one of their ever-present arguments, never see the soft look in his eyes as he watched her laugh and smile. She couldn’t ever smell his woodsy, clean scent, such a far cry from his profession. All she had of him now were the memory of turquoise eyes and this letter.

This letter she couldn’t read.

Lauren had never made it past those first four words. It was irrational, but she worried that if she ever finished the letter, there would never be any solid proof that Kieran lived. That he graced this Earth with his charming smile and warm voice. 

_ “Lauren!” Kieran exclaimed, startled, as she peeked her head into his work room. _

_ “Surprised? I came home early, love,” she grinned as she pecked his cheek. “What are you doing here?” _

_ “Ah, ah, ah,” he wagged his finger as she tried to peek over his hands to see the paper he was writing on. “This one’s a surprise.” _

_ “Alright, alright, keep your little secret. I’m going to shower,” Lauren laughed, waving her hands as she walked back to the door. _

He’d smiled at her then. In her memory, the smile seemed a tad strained, as though he knew what was coming for him. He knew, and she should have remembered, that the Phantom Scythe does not leave its members alive. Even after it had been disbanded, the Leader still held power and influence over Ardhalis. 

Some part of both of them knew that their happy life wouldn’t last very long. But Lauren had chosen to ignore it, as she had never done anything else. Maybe she just wanted to enjoy whatever came because her mind could then finally be free from the lies. 

If only she hadn’t. If only he was still here.

She closed her eyes and let the tears flow, fast and hard, with memories of the happiness she couldn’t feel. 

_ So many thoughts of “if only”. What would Kieran have done if he was here? _

He’d hold her and wipe her tears, his fingers a gentle breeze over her eyes. “It was never your fault, mon amour,” he would have said. “I chose to live and die how I did, and I would do it a thousand times over, just for you.”

Moron. Always so selfless and reckless. Never thinking about his own safety.

Once, he’d said something like this about her. She had told him then, “I don’t deserve to be selfish, not after all the truths I’ve known and never told. It’s my responsibility, my obligation, to help whoever I can. I have to atone for what I’ve done.  _ I have to fix this _ .” 

A selfish hypocrite she was indeed. No sense of moral obligation had driven her to take down the Phantom Scythe, just her overwhelming guilt. And she had told Kieran all that, just for him to do what she was supposed to.

_ Die. I should have died instead of him. He was strong, driven. He would have found another reason to live.  _

_ But me? I can’t live without him. _

_ So I’ll read this letter. Then, I can stop this...this life. Does this even count as a life, when I have nothing to live for? _

So she read.

_ Mon amour Lauren Sinclair, _

_ One of two things has happened. Either I’m alive and well, in which case you shouldn’t be reading this at all. Or, I’m gone, and you’re beating yourself up about something that was never your fault. _

Lauren almost smiled then. He alone knew her best.

_ You’re not my perfect person. _

What?

_ Sorry if that seems a little harsh. I mean, you shouldn’t be the only reason I’m alive. And vice versa. We are not the broken parts of each other’s souls. Oh no, to say that would be a dangerous state of mind to be in. You must never fall into that trap. If I’m gone, you must find more reasons to stay alive. Never let the loneliness take over you, darling.  _

_ It took me a long, long time to realize that I was worthy of you. And that you could love someone like me wholeheartedly. Don’t let yourself believe that you are not worthy of life, Lauren. You are. _

_ Do you recollect the meaning of purple hyacinths? They symbolize sorrow and regret. Those flowers played such an important role in our lives, but never again. Remember your daisies, dear. Remember the free spirit and happiness and childhood innocence that you have, buried underneath your mountain of mourning.  _

_ Now, I want you to pick your ass up off the couch and go outside.  _

_ Yours forever, _

_ Kieran White _

Was that it?

Was that all she had waited five years to read?

Or, that was just Kieran, simple and straight to the point. He knew she hated long-winded, romantic letters. But couldn’t he have been romantic in this one?

She heard a noise. It started from a snort, progressed into a light giggle and grew into a harsh bray of laughter.

_ Hey, that’s my voice.  _

And wow, she sounded like a donkey.

That made her laugh even harder.

She was a mess of tears of both sadness and joy, something only Kieran could make her be. 

Lauren didn’t even know why she was laughing, nothing was remotely funny about the whole situation. But maybe that’s why. Her soul had taken Kieran’s advice and remembered her childhood, when she could smile freely with no care in the world.

Outside, she could hear children playing, their shrill voices and bright eyes forcing her to crack a long-awaited grin and step into the crisp November air. A toddler waddled up to her as she tucked her scarf closer to her neck and opened the iron gate. 

“Wanna flower?” He held out a small daisy, one of the last before the winter frost. 

It had never been Kieran who had to learn that humanity was beautiful.

No, that had always been her. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> this was SO HARD TO WRITE. istg I had to stop writing for a bit because I was on the verge of crying. 
> 
> the point of this fic was to highlight the idea that NO ONE BUT YOU IS YOUR PERFECT PERSON. while others can encourage you and guide you, no one can "fix" you or teach you to love yourself, that's something YOU need to do. and sometimes, regardless of how much you love a person, you need to put yourself first. you can't be in a healthy relationship with someone else without being in a healthy relationship with yourself. 
> 
> thank you for coming to my TED talk.


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